Que sera, no sera

Whatever will be, might not be.

Photo by Marissa Grootes on Unsplash

The years before 2023, I was just moving along with life’s plans, not my own. It could be summarized thus: finish school, get your first degree. Just that each time I tried to think about what would follow or what could come in between, my mind returned with an image as dark as a well-blackened black board. Just blank.

Four years ago, I was joking around with my elder brother when he suddenly stopped laughing and asked, “Where do you see yourself in the next five years?” I wasn’t expecting that, so I tried to laugh it off, but he wasn’t laughing. He was too serious. But why? Why couldn’t we continue our meaningless nothings? Why the serious tone?

“Please, let’s talk about something else. That question is somehow,” I replied, forcing a smile to hide the uneasiness in my voice. I’ve always run from deep conversations. I have no reason, but it just makes life feel too real—too raw— rather than fictional where everything I want can easily come to pass.

My brother knew this about me, and it wasn’t the first time he had asked me that question. Or even the first time I’m running from it.

Just answer.”

“Five years ke? Isn’t that too far? I think mummy is calling me,” I said, but the look he gave me made me stay rooted to the floor, wondering why he was so serious.

He turned and asked my sister the same question, and as usual, she launched into her TED talk about how she wanted her life to be in five years while I watched, laughing and wondering if life would actually go her way.

After she finished, my brother smiled and told us his own plans, and yet, I found it funny. “You know, there’s no point in this. Life is really unpredictable. There’s no guarantee that this will happen or that won’t happen.” I said with a wide grin.

They both looked at me, sharing some things I would never forget. They explained how important it is to have plans, even if life is unpredictable. “You don’t just take what you see from life,” they said, “it’s good to make plans and when these plans don’t go the way you want, it’s your clue to push harder. Why do you always sound pessimistic, aren’t you too young to expect the worst from life?”

They said a lot of things, and guess what?! As soon as they were done, I shook my head and stood up to run from the “deep” conversation. Of course, their words have no hex to change me overnight.

I shook my head as soon as they finished, ready to escape from the “deep” conversation. Of course, their words didn’t change me overnight.

Now the question is: what suddenly made me change? I can’t define a single moment other than this, and yessss, life is beautiful when you make plans about your future. Is there any guarantee my plans will work out? No way but… it’s actually worth it.

These days, when I imagine the future, I’m no longer faced with a blank shadow. Now, I see it—and I want it all. I’m happily taking life one day at a time, with the hope that even if I don’t get what I want today, it’s possible tomorrow.

To be honest, not having plans cost me a lot. It stopped me from fully knowing myself, from loving myself, from giving myself the freedom to enjoy what I want and say no to what I don’t.